7 Ways to Resolve Conflict by "Fighting Fair"

Who out there avoids conflict as if it were a death sentence? I would estimate that at least half of my clients struggle with assertiveness – a way of communicating and advocating for themselves in a respectful and honest way. It seems they see no difference between assertiveness and aggression. Aggressive communication is not respectful, often involving making demands of others without listening to them and threatening or attacking the other person.

Another issue I see is that clients will assume that any type of disagreement or uncomfortable conversation will “end in a fight” with yelling and no resolution. It is true that if you go into a conversation expecting a “fight,” you’re going to automatically go into self-protection mode before even starting the conversation, and almost guarantee the conversation will not end the way you want it to.

I would like to introduce you to the method of Fighting Fair. (For the record, I don’t particularly care for the term “fighting” because it has a negative connotation. BUT, for the purposes of ease, we will use the term.) Fighting fair is a strategy initially created for couples (check out Dominic’s blog on how this relates to couples here), but it works for conflict in any type of relationship, including friendships and relationships between family members. The aim is to use conflict as a way to gain clarity about the other person’s needs and how they are not being met in the relationship, instead of hitting “below the belt,” abandoning the conversation because you feel attacked by any criticism, or feeling out of control when any conflict arises. Let’s learn how to manage conflict and the feelings that accompany it effectively, shall we?

First, I would like to be clear about what I mean when I use the word conflict. Conflict arises when two people disagree on the basis of their perceptions, ideas, desires or values. Some conflicts are minor and more easily resolved, but others are more substantial.

Here are the 7 rules of Fighting Fair:

1.   No degrading language – It is not productive or kind to call names, and name-calling emotionally injures the other person. Curse words and yelling will also escalate the level of anger and discomfort in the conversation so please avoid this behavior. Using nasty language also contributes to the other person feeling emotionally (and sometimes physically) unsafe with you, which doesn’t increase the odds of the two of you resolving the conflict.

2.   No blaming – Placing blame on the other person (or yourself) is simply a distraction from the issue at hand. It invites self-protection instincts (aka defensiveness) in the other person. If you’re engaging in the conflict conversation to begin with, it probably means the relationship is important and valuable, and we don’t want to weaken it with blame and judgment.

3.   No use of force – Fair fighting has a no tolerance policy on any use of physical force, or threat of physical force (raising a fist or using verbal threats count here). If either of you resort to physical force or violence in the relationship, seek professional help. This includes punching walls and throwing or breaking things. How can you expect the other person to feel safe being vulnerable with you if you’re unable to control how you act out your anger and frustration?

4.   Speak for yourself – Focus on describing your needs, wants, and feelings, not on dictating the other person’s. Telling the other person what they need, want or feel involves making significant assumptions and taking away their opportunity to express themselves.

5.   Don’t air historical grievances – Stay in the present! Bringing up the past is discouraging and you can’t change it anyway. What’s done is done. If you start to digress onto other issues, agree to get back on track with the original topic. If historical grievances keep coming up, that likely means they were never resolved back then. Discuss issues as they occur instead of holding onto them and letting your anger grow.

6.   No interrupting each other – First of all, being interrupted is unbearably irritating. It is also disrespectful. Please don’t do it. Use a talking stick like in kindergarten – whoever has the stick is allowed to speak, and whoever doesn’t needs to listen. Listening means focusing on understanding the other person, not silently planning what you’re going to say next.

7.   Take breaks when needed – If you’ve violated any of the above rules, chances are you’re in self-protection mode and the likelihood of cooperating with the other person or listening to the more rational parts of your brain is minimal. A time-out is a pause. Use a pause to cool off, calm down, and get perspective. Think about how to express yourself calmly and clearly, remember what conflict you are truly interested in resolving, and reconvene with the other person to continue the conversation. Time-outs should be at least 30 minutes but no longer than 24 hours.

I hope this information helps you feel more confident about addressing issues with those you care about, and if you need more help, please give me a call!

The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.