7 Tips To Discuss Grief with Your Children
/Grief– a single word that holds so much meaning. It is complicated, overwhelming, and painful. It tends to be a taboo topic that most people avoid. Unfortunately, it is also an inevitable part of life that we are not exempt from at any age. Despite our desire to avoid it and not talk about it, it is our responsibility as adults to facilitate conversations and encourage healthy grieving processes for kids of all ages. However, our discomfort and society’s myths often get in the way of these helpful and healing conversations.
Grief is often associated with someone’s death, although, we often grieve when we experience any type of loss. For example, a friend who moves away, a pet that has died, a parent’s divorce, moving to a new home, an aging grandparent, a friend no longer playing on your sports team are all losses we might grieve. It’s an appropriate emotion to feel about any loss we may experience. It takes time to grieve and heal and it’s important not to rush the grieving process.
There are so many myths about speaking to kids about grief; they do not grieve, they do not understand grief, they should be shielded from grief, they are resilient and will bounce back, adults' grief does not affect them, grieving as a child will lead to maladjusted adult life, etc. However, none of these myths are true and research has shown that these ways of handling grief with kids can be harmful to their development. Fortunately, with the right tools and strategies, discussing death and grief with our children can be less difficult, and we can ensure we are breaking the unhealthy and unhelpful trends around discussing grief. And I am here to help!
A general guide regarding age:
It is important to remember that all children develop at their rate, however, we can generally break the developmental stages of understanding grief for kids into 3 categories.
Ages 3-5 will see death as temporary and not something that they experience.
Ages 5-10 will begin to see death as final, but will still not see it as something they will experience.
Ages 10-18 will understand death as final and that they will die someday too.
In Discussing Grief with Younger Children:
Children learn best through simple and familiar terms, as well as through repetition. So when you are discussing the loss, it’s best to use basic explanations that they understand. For example explaining death you could say, “when people die they do not breathe, talk, think, or feel.” They will most likely ask questions several times and as time goes on and they have new experiences, they will often ask more questions and need to talk more about what happened. Be patient and continue to allow space for these conversations, no longer how long it has been.
In Discussing Grief with Adolescents and Teenagers:
Make sure you are open and honest with adolescents and teens about what happened. Avoid traumatic details, but don’t lie or withhold information if they ask questions about what happened. Adolescents and teenagers tend to fear being judged by others, so try to normalize their reactions and be accepting of what they might share with you about how they are thinking or feeling.
Here are 7 tips to discuss grief with your children:
Be present and listen with empathy and without judgment- Give your children your undivided attention, listen to what they have to say, and be aware of their body language and facial expressions. Provide them the space to be themselves, because there is no right way to grieve.
Be honest and factual- Share with them how the death occurred in simple terms without including traumatic or frightening details. For example, “they died in a car accident,” or “they died because they were very sick.” Avoid using codes or metaphors like “they passed on” or “no longer with us.” Instead, use terms like “dead” and “died.” It is OK to say “I don’t know” if they ask questions you do not know the answer to.
Break up the conversations- Do not overwhelm them with all the information at once. Instead, give them information in bits at a time. They will most likely come back and ask questions or for more information. Be patient with them.
Model a healthy grieving process- It is OK for you to express emotion with them around. It is OK for you to cry in front of them. It is OK for you to share what you are feeling. You are showing them an example of a healthy grieving process.
Reassure them- They may blame themselves for the death. Make it clear that it is not their fault by explaining that words, behaviors, or thoughts do not kill people. Continue to remind them that they are safe and cared for by a loving adult.
Prepare them for funerals and services- Discuss with them what they will see, what they will do while they are there, who else will be there, how people may act, etc. After providing them with this information, allow them to decide if they want to go or not. Do not force them to participate.
Encourage healthy coping skills and outlets for their feelings- Religious or spiritual rituals, listening to or creating music, looking at pictures and memories, telling, sharing, or listening to stories about your loved one, and reading books about grief are all healthy ways to work through grief in a healthy way.
If you are still struggling to have these difficult conversations or you would like your child to have more support, please reach out!
The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.