Attachment Styles & Their Impact on Adult Relationships
/When we think of our current relationships, we may often wonder why we feel safe and connected in some, but in others, we feel anxious or distant. Sound familiar? This idea of the way we connect, or sometimes struggle to connect, with others often traces back to a concept known as attachment styles. These patterns are how we relate to others in society, influenced early in our childhood, that continue to shape our relationships within adulthood.
The good news you ask? Having some clarity of your attachment style can not only help you build healthier connections, but also feel more empowered in your relationships and shift away from generational patterns.
What Are Attachment Styles?
In our childhood, we learn how relationships and connections are created by watching how our caregivers respond to us. Some felt safe, supported, and valued, while others may have experienced uncertainty, distance, or neglect. These early experiences are important as they influence how we navigate emotions and needs, closeness, and trust later in our lives.
Attachment styles are not personality flaws. Instead, they are patterns that helped us cope as children. Still, they have the power to transfer into adulthood by shaping how we communicate, problem-solve, and feel secure in relationships. Self-awareness, healthy relationships, and therapy can help change these and break any intergenerational cycles.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
1. Secure Attachment
Those with a secure attachment tend to feel more independent, comfortable in their relationships, along with experience closeness. They can trust others, express their feelings and needs freely, and manage conflict without drifting apart from others.
In relationships: They can be close to others emotionally without losing themselves, handle ruptures in relationships, and bounce back from challenges of life and stress.
Key Takeaway: Being secure does not mean never facing challenges— it just means having a strong foundation to work through them.
2. Anxious Attachment
Individuals with an anxious attachment style have the tendency to worry that their partner and/or friends and family will abandon them or stop loving them. They have the urgency to seek reassurance, overthink, or feel highly sensitive to changes in others’ mood.
In relationships: They can seem dependent or dwell on thoughts, despite their desire for closeness and security.
Key Takeaway: Noticing this pattern helps to shift from “I’m a lot for people” to “I just want a connection,” which is normal.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Those with an avoidant attachment style value independence and feel uncomfortable or distant with too much closeness. They may try to avoid vulnerability as it feels scary or overwhelming.
In relationships: They may seem distant, isolate, or avoid talking about emotions. They do this in a way to protect themselves, not because they don’t care.
Key Takeaway: Being mindful when you start to withdraw can help you maintain a healthy balance between independence and connection.
4. Disorganized or Fearful Attachment
In this attachment style, some feel both avoidant and anxious. They want closeness but also are afraid of it, causing a back-and-forth dynamic.
In relationships: They may seem indecisive between wanting intimacy and needing space, which is confusing for both them and others.
Key Takeaway: Noticing this pattern can help break the cycle of uncertainty and stress.
How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships in Adulthood
These patterns have the power to shape how we communicate, problem-solve, and feel secure in relationships. Some examples:
Anxious and avoidant partners often get stuck in a cycle where one desires closeness and the other remains distant.
Securely attached individuals tend to navigate tension calmly and model healthy communication.
Disorganized or fearful attachment patterns can cause intense ups and downs, leaving both individuals feeling unsure.
Knowing your attachment style doesn’t excuse poor habits, but it helps explain why conflicts occur and how to respond in healthier ways.
How Attachment Styles Change
It’s possible for one’s attachment style to change. Although we form these early, it doesn’t mean we are stuck this way. With self-awareness, healthy and supportive relationships, and active effort, people can develop stronger relationship habits.
Self-awareness: Noticing triggers and patterns is the first step.
Healthy relationships: Connections with supportive and emotionally available friends or partners create positive experiences.
Active effort: Focusing your attention and effort on habits that support personal growth.
The transition of an attachment style is a gradual process, but every step toward awareness is progress.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy provides a welcoming and safe space to explore how attachment styles affect your current relationships. Taking that first courageous step into therapy can help:
Be more aware of triggers and emotional patterns
Develop better communication strategies and assertiveness skills
Build new patterns of connection that feel secure and genuine
Strengthen self-compassion and managing emotions.
Instead of judging yourself for feeling anxious, distant, or conflicted, approach yourself with curiosity, reflection, and support. More secure relationships are closer than you think—and possible.
Our therapists at The Counseling Collective would be honored to work with you! The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with kids, teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Schedule An Appointment here.