The Truth About Boundaries: They’re Not About Changing Others
/You are probably no stranger to the concept of “setting boundaries”. When we talk about boundaries in relationships, many people think or hope that boundaries will get someone else to change or act differently so that we can feel better.
But boundaries aren’t about influencing or changing other people. They are about taking care of ourselves, mentally and emotionally, even if the others don’t or won’t change. Boundaries are really about choosing ourselves and what we are or aren’t willing to tolerate.
Let’s dive deeper into what that really means—and why it matters.
The Misconception: “If I draw the line, they’ll change.”
You ask your parents to stop broadcasting your personal information to extended family and friends. You tell your friend to stop cancelling last minute. You tell your partner to stop criticizing you.
You hope that your words will inspire change in behavior. It is a common and valid hope. But setting boundaries with the goal of getting someone to change can lead great disappointment, frustration, powerlessness, and even resentment. This only makes your peace and mental well-being dependent on someone else’s behaviors, moods, and choices.
The Truth: Boundaries are about you, for you.
Boundaries don’t have to be ultimatums. They are not punishments or attempts to pressure or guilt someone into change. They are internal guidelines and external actions that can help you maintain emotional and mental health, regardless of how others behave or respond.
Boundaries are a way of saying, “This is what I need to be okay. If that can’t happen, I will need to make a decision that honors my needs and wants.”
Here are some few examples:
Instead of: “Stop telling everyone by business”
A boundary might be: “If you continue to share my personal information, I’m going to stop disclosing details about my life with you.”
Instead of: “Don’t talk to me.”
A boundary might be: “I need the weekend to process how I am feeling before continuing our conversation.”
Instead of: “You can’t talk to me that way.”
A boundary might be: “If the conversation becomes disrespectful, I will leave the room or end the call.”
In these examples, the focus shifts away from changing their behavior to your response and well-being.
Boundaries are rooted in self-awareness and self-care.
In order to effectively set boundaries, knowing what you need and want is key. If you don’t know what you need or want, setting boundaries can feel especially scary or daunting. Boundaries start by checking in with yourself:
What drains me?
What do I need more of in order to feel okay?
What do I have capacity for?
What feels unsafe, disrespectful, or overwhelming?
What feels congruent and authentic to who I am?
What kinds of people, places, or situations consistently leave me anxious, angry, or exhausted?
Setting boundaries may feel like a selfish act, but it is not. It is part of self-care, self-honoring, and recognizing that your emotions, time, and energy are valuable. And when you set this standard for yourself, you model the standard for others, too.
Boundaries won’t always be received well
Often, the thought of setting a boundary can elicit intense fear and anxiety. Fear of rejection, shame, guilt or conflict can be reasons why people struggle to set boundaries, especially if they struggle with people-pleasing tendencies.
Transparently, people might get upset with you.
Those who benefit from you having poor boundaries are often the most upset or offended when you set them. That doesn’t mean your boundary is invalid, or that you should take it back. It means it’s working.
You are not responsible for people’s emotions. You are responsible for your emotions, your behavior, and communicating appropriately.
Boundaries are doors, not walls.
Like a door, a boundary will determine what you allow in and what will stay out. You get to decide whether you want to leave the door closed, cracked, or wide open. You have control over what behavior is allowed in your life and what is not.
Sometimes, people fear that setting boundaries will lead to isolation. However, healthy boundaries won’t shut people out, rather they clarify terms under which you are comfortable staying connected with someone in a way that feels safe and respectful to you. And when you feel safe and respected, you are likely to engage more authentically.
The real work: Holding the boundary
It’s one thing to say a boundary and it’s another to follow through and hold it. For instance, if you tell your friend, "I need some time and space” but you continue to answer their calls and texts, the boundary becomes meaningless and very unclear.
It is completely normal to feel uncomfortable holding your boundary, but with some time it becomes an act of self-trust. It reinforces the message, “It is okay for me to do this, and I will be okay.”
Final Thoughts: You’re allowed to feel okay—even if others don't feel okay.
Fundamentally, boundary-setting is an act of self-love and self-responsibility. It is the decision to start looking for peace from within. You are allowed to choose yourself.
That kind of empowerment doesn’t come from controlling others. It comes from standing firmly in your truth, honoring your needs, and trusting yourself to choose what’s best for your well-being.
Our therapists at The Counseling Collective would be honored to work with you! The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with kids, teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Schedule An Appointment here.