How Do We Identify Our Needs?
/So often when we are feeling frustrated in life with our jobs, families or other relationships, we end up feeling the same thing over and over again but aren’t able to identify in those moments what is familiar. Because of this, we can tend to either ignore those feelings and begin to have a pattern of dealing with that person or circumstance that often leads to feeling those same feelings over and over again without any real resolution or positive outcome. I often talk to clients that knowing how to express and communicate the change we need to feel or see is the first step towards moving into a new pattern of communication. Having a framework to help us process this is often a step we aren’t sure how to take or honestly haven’t ever been taught how to do this. I’d like to lay out four basic needs we can use to start to communicate with others in our lives differently and begin to use this framework to get to those root feelings and behaviors met.
Four Basic Needs:
Seen- Being seen by someone is so vital to not only how we feel about ourselves but honestly how we feel about the other person. Being truly seen by another requires them to not only take time to acknowledge the other person, actually seeing them with their eyes physically but also mentally and emotionally. For instance a definition we can use in this case would be to say to be seen is “to perceive (things) mentally; understand.” Communicating this might sound something like this, “ I didn’t feel seen when you came home today and just threw your backpack on the table after I had spent the whole day cleaning the house.”
Heard- Being heard is often not only communicating that a person heard the words coming from our mouths but also that they truly listened to what we were saying. When I talk with clients that feel so frustrated in a relationship they often will say that being heard is not about having an answer given or a solution offered, it's really just knowing that someone else heard what they said without offering those things. Being heard could sound something like this- “ I am so sorry you had a rough day, I hear that you felt so frustrated all day.” Listening to really hear doesn’t mean we make it better for that person by offering suggestions or solutions, it simply means we offer the space to actually hear what they are saying. This allows us to truly feel heard.
Valued- Being valued is often attached to what we do or don’t do, instead of knowing that we just have value for who we are. Being valued in our lives has nothing to do with our accomplishments or performances but rather our innate value as a human being. Value is often defined as “consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of.” Communicating our need to be valued may sound something like “I didn’t feel valued when you made plans for the weekend without considering what I wanted to do.”
Understood- Being understood is knowing that we are being perceived as having worth and to seek to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes to see how they would feel. Understood is often defined as “ interpret or view (something) in a particular way. It will often mean we can give the benefit of the doubt to someone else or even ask for that ourselves when we feel like we aren’t being perceived in the way we need or want. Asking to be understood can sound like “I didn’t feel understood when you assumed the worst in me instead of asking what I really meant.”
As you can see there is plenty of overlap in how our needs need to be met, and often when we are feeling a certain way there is a good chance that several of our needs aren’t being met. However, if we can take a moment to reflect on these four basic needs and become self aware of this it can give a framework for asking for what we need instead of assuming someone will know. We can use these four needs to communicate differently and become more assertive in asking for what we need instead of feeling a certain way when these needs aren’t met.
If this is something that feels like it would be helpful in managing your relationships differently, I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist to help navigate and practice identifying these needs and learn to communicate what needs aren’t being met. The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.