Child Loss: Grieving As A Couple

While grief and loss are a normal part of life, the death of a child is unimaginable. It goes against the natural order of things- a parent is not supposed to outlive their child. Experiencing the loss of a child changes every part of your world, both who you are and how you see yourself in it. In the first few weeks and months, parents have shared feeling like they are in a fog or numb. As months grow on, the intensity of emotions can feel overwhelming and disorienting. Contrary to what society may say, the pain does not go away after a year or some defined stage, it is a lifelong unfolding journey. While grief shifts and changes over time, it can feel unpredictable, like waves crashing in the ocean.  Many people struggle to know who they can talk with about their grief experience. Some parents long for spaces to talk about their child and hear their child’s name spoken out loud. Some friends and family may be uncomfortable talking about the child who died or worry that continue talking about it is a sign that someone is not “moving on”. This can create feelings of loneliness and isolation, feeling like your emotions are too big for others to carry. During this time, many parents worry about the impact their grief journey will have on them not only on them individually, but also their relationship as a couple.

Many couples worry that they are destined to break up or get divorced after the loss of their child. While some relationships do end following loss, it is not to the extent that most think. It is, however, a trying time for the relationship. Conflict and misunderstandings can happen more often. Some may feel like they are just going through the motions or slowly drifting apart. Intense feelings like guilt, helplessness and sorrow can make it challenging to speak your thoughts out loud, let alone share them with each other.

How each person expresses their grief can be different, some finding comfort in talking about their experience and their emotions, while others finding comfort keeping their emotions to themselves. Some people try to get back into a routine by going back to work as soon as they can, while others struggle to find the energy to get out of bed. Many couples find that they and their partner express their grief different which can lead to lots of questions like, “Is my partner even grieving, it seems like they are managing way better than me?”, “Which way to grieve is ‘correct’?”, “Will it be like this forever?” or “If I let my partner see how deep my pain is, will it make their grief worse?” Navigating these questions can be complicated.

Grief can make you feel like you are on your own emotional island, finding ways to turn towards each other can help you stay connected through the turbulent journey. Here are 3 tips to consider as you process your grief within a partnership.

1.     Different, But The Same: Just as you move through the world differently, with ways of doing things and unique personalities- you will move through your grief journey differently. The key to this is understanding that while you each may express your grief differently, you each are still grieving. Reminding yourself of this can help you to acknowledge that, each of you is on your own path, and each of you are doing your best to try to find ways that bring you moments of comfort along the way.

2.     Clear and Kind Communication: Finding ways to communicate your needs can be really important. Many worry they don’t know how to comfort their partner. Grief can make this difficult when you are both emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. The successful ways that you communicated before may feel harder now or not as effective during this season of your grief. You may be trying to support to your partner, but it doesn’t end up being as helpful as you had hoped. This can be frustrating especially when you are already emotionally tapped out by grief. Talking about strategies for communicate can help to making sure the loving messages that you are sending are received.

3.     Intentional Connection: Carving out time to connect can feel almost impossible on most days, grief or not. Being intentional about how you check in with each other can be particularly helpful when grief increases the feeling of isolation. This can look like scheduling time to talk, making it a priority to eat a meal together, or simply texting as a way to check in. For some couples, the therapy setting is that intentional time to check-in and connect. As parents of your child, you will forever have a connection to each other. Prioritizing your relationship might not be top on your list, but it is an important part of the grief journey.

Grief is not a linear process and everyone’s timeline can look different. Some people seek out support early in their journey, while others find they are not ready for several years out.

Know that the therapists from the Counseling Collective are here and ready to assist you on the journey when you feel the time is right for you. The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues beyond grief, including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety and couples counseling. We work with kids, teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.