Assertiveness - You Can't Live Without It!
/If I got a dollar every time I heard a client say, “I don’t like conflict and I avoid it at all costs,” I would be a wealthy woman! Conflicts (aka disagreements) are everywhere – at work, at home, at your favorite restaurant, and within your own head (or is that just in my head?). If you think you can walk through life avoiding it, pretending it doesn’t exist, and still live a fulfilling life, you are just wrong. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you really are wrong. Here’s why.
When you avoid conflict (or what you assume will result in conflict), you don’t advocate for yourself, or your loved ones, or speak your mind. That reinforces self-doubt and I’m sure you often end up convincing yourself that how you feel and what you think doesn’t matter. That is a perfect recipe for low self-esteem, even lower self-confidence, and a boatload of unmet needs and resentment. Who wants that? I don’t. I haven’t met many people who want that. Let’s unpack this a little bit more.
If your friend says something to you that probably isn’t meant to be hurtful, but it is, how would you respond? I have clients who would just “let it go,” because they don’t want to “make waves” or “hurt the other person’s feelings.” I scratch my head when I hear that. There are several problems here:
1. Without putting your feelings on the table, your friend doesn’t have an opportunity to understand you better, apologize, and make sure not to do it again. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you want a chance to help heal your friend’s wound if you said something hurtful?
2. When you hold onto hurts without expressing them to the other person, the hurt comes out at a future time when you don’t intend, and it’s confusing to both you and your friend. You explode when they don’t respond to your text right away, for example, and you realize that the explosion was in response to something they did 3 months ago that never got addressed. What a mess!
3. It doesn’t make sense to hold back your own feelings to protect someone else. First of all, you’re making an assumption about how the person is going to react to you, and making any decision based on an assumption is not wise. Secondly, other people’s emotions and behavior are not your responsibility. The other person can choose to respond to you with compassion, or with defensiveness. You can’t control them or their feelings. Once again for the folks in the back – YOU CAN’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE OR THEIR FEELINGS.
Now, let me say this. Do not misunderstand what I’m getting at here – I am not recommending you be careless with others’ feelings. It is normal and healthy to not want to hurt someone else. However, when you prioritize someone else’s potential feelings over your actual feelings, it becomes an issue. Why are their feelings more valid and important than yours? Let me tell you – they aren’t.
Another concern I get a lot is, “I don’t want to start a fight or be a jerk.” It’s lesson time! Assertive and aggressive – what’s the difference? According to the Manhattan Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, “Assertiveness is a helpful way of communicating that is clear, direct, and constructive. It’s built on the understanding that your own needs and another’sneeds are both important to consider, and that both deserve to be respected… Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is a way of communicating where you try to control the behavior of others. You put your own needs first, without any consideration for the other person’s needs.” Example:
“Lucy, why are you so lazy that you wouldn’t clean up after yourself in the kitchen? Now I have to clean it up AND make dinner!”
“Lucy, when I came into the kitchen to cook dinner I noticed there were dishes piled up on the counter where I needed to put the cutting board. This is tough for me because I only have so much time before dinner needs to be ready for us. Could you please come help me so we can enjoy a meal together?”
See what I mean? The first example is classic aggression and the second demonstrates assertiveness.
In closing, I also want to remind you that your mindset is key when going into a conversation where you are expressing your feelings on a tough topic. If you head into it thinking, “This is going to turn into a fight, I know it,” then it likely will. You are already preparing to defend yourself and your stress hormone (cortisol) levels are rising, preparing you to fight, flee, or freeze. If you approach the conversation thinking, “This is the issue I see, and I am prepared to ask for what I need to address it,” you will be much better off. Listen to the other person after you speak, recognize they may be in an uncomfortable position (feeling embarrassed and apologizing for wrongdoing are HARD), and focus on getting your need met, not on hurting them back for hurting you in the first place.
The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Request An Appointment here.