Be Your OWN Valentine!

Happy Valentine’s Day 2019!  We are all being bombarded with advertisements and store displays reminding us to get our sweetheart the “perfect” Valentine’s Day gift such as candy, cards, flowers, jewelry, to just name a few of the most popular items.  Valentine’s Day has not always been associated with romance.  In fact, some of the history of Valentine’s Day is rather gruesome.  However, most of us focus on love and romance when it comes to Valentine’s Day and frankly, that is much better in my humble opinion.  

What is love?  That is a great question with so many descriptions and interpretations.  One definition found in Merriam Webster is “warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion; to hold dear”.  Sounds like a good summary of what many of us believe love is.  However, many descriptions  include “towards another person” in the definition.   Loving and being loved by others is great; however, many definitions lack “loving yourself”.   Is loving yourself not very important?  Well, of course it is!

Lucille Ball stated, “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line”.  How perfect is that!  How can we love someone or be loved by someone else if they first do not love themselves?  That is an easy answer… they can’t!

Loving ourselves sounds so easy; yet, for many of us, it is very hard to do!  Instead, many of us focus on loving others and relying on others to love us in return; that is, if we even can believe or accept that we deserve to be loved.  This sounds very sad and, it is!  The reality is, each one of us deserves to be loved no matter how many mistakes we have made and continue to make in life.   We need to love ourselves!  Robert Morley stated “To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness”.  Again, many find truly loving ourselves very challenging, and again, I ask, why?  I do not believe that there is one single answer or explanation as to why we struggle with loving ourselves for it tends to be very complicated and deep rooted.  However, it is very important to learn to love ourselves for who we are.  Sahaj Kohli said “The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself”. This is such an amazing quote to believe and live by!

  Let’s explore and practice ways to love ourselves. Here are 8 strategies to help us learn to and to continue to love ourselves:

1.     Look into the mirror daily, yes, daily! When you are looking in the mirror, and say at least 3 positive things about yourself.  It will likely be hard to do at first but with continued practice, it will become easier.  Be sure that you identify and state different things each day!  Each of us have so many good qualities!  I love the quote by Byron Katie ”Do you want to meet the love of your life?  Look in the mirror.”

2.     Practice self care daily, such as taking a nap, exercising, dancing in the rain to name just a few.  See a previous blog post on other self care ideas here.

3.     Establish and maintain boundaries such as saying no and standing up for yourself. Do not let others push you into things or bully you.  This too will take practice but once you do it once and keep doing it, the feeling is so great that you will want to continue to do it all the time!  

4.     Accept you for you!  You are you and you are awesome!  Don’t compare yourself to others- instead cherish your uniqueness and your personal growth.

5.     Forgive yourself!  We all make mistakes but instead, let’s view them as learning experiences and celebrate what you have learned from them.

6.     Avoid perfectionism!  No one is perfect and if someone would be, how boring would that be!  Trust me, I struggle with it too.  It can be my worst enemy at times!

7.     Avoid negative people and instead surround yourself with others who value you and love you for who you are!  They see the true you and love you for it!  Quality of friends is so much more rewarding than quantity of friends.

8.     Treat yourself!  I love to purchase a new book to read.  Maybe you will do the same or maybe you will buy a new video game or something else, the point is, do something for you!

So, now that we have identified some strategies to love ourselves, what are we going to do for ourselves to celebrate us being our own best Valentine?  Does a nice dinner out sound good?  Maybe a nice quiet night in curled up in PJ’s with a pizza and watching a movie is more your style?  Whatever it may be, please treat yourself not just on Valentine’s Day, but on a regular basis such as once a month.  You certainly deserve it!  

We would love to hear how you practice loving yourself and what you love about yourself.  If you are struggling with loving you, we are here for you. Please reach out to us because we care!

How to know if you are communicating effectively

“Why are you not getting it? Are you even listening?”

 Are these the questions you routinely ask yourself when talking with others? Do not worry -these are common questions that come up when two people are struggling to communicate. These feelings of frustration can show up in a conversation between spouses, siblings, and parents with their children! If you're having these frustrations, both of you are probably struggling with ineffective communication.  What might cause ineffective communication you might ask?  Well, one of the quickest ways we end up communicating ineffectively is by not listening the other person. How many times have you found yourself responding to something the person did last week, last month, and sometimes years ago? When that happens conversations can get negative and confrontational quickly! When talking to someone feels like a negative experience, it can actually cause us to not see the benefit in communication and instead avoid talking about tough topics. 

But how do I know if I'm specifically bad at communication? Well, how often in heated conversation do you resort to talking over someone, placing blame, or even bringing up past incidences where they hurt you? We usually do these things because we believe we know what the other person wil say, do, or even think next. Those kinds of assumptions can be very wrong and bring about the thing we feared the most, causing our own negative thoughts to come true. That kind of communication causes people to be defensive and they will either stop talking to you or lash out to protect themselves. I mean think about it, if we bark at a dog and blame it for barking back, what are we really doing? So, let's stop and take a closer look at what communication really is. Communication is one of our primary ways of talking with someone to accomplish a goal, whether that goal be to get work done, feel closer to others, or just learn something new. This is why ineffective communication is so frustrating- nothing gets accomplished!  Ineffective communication blocks any progress that could have been made in conversation which then defeats the purpose of communicating with each other. So, if your communication isn't accomplishing its goal due to the other person feeling attacked or defensive, you could be communicating ineffectively.

Now let's talk about what effective communication is, and some small fine-tuning tips that can help you and your loved ones effectively communicate. The first thing is to remember that what both people have to say is important. Each person should be ready to hear out the other person whether you agree or not- everyone's feelings are valid even if they have different perspectives. Making good eye contact and repeating back to the person what you heard is always helpful so you know you aren't misunderstanding them. Also letting the person know what you're feeling while talking to them is important. You can do this by using “I” Statements, which can help the other person to not feel blamed or attacked and can help both of you to be on the same page about how you are feeling  and leave out any assumptions. “I” Statements are simply comments about how you are feeling that start with “I feel….”.

Example 1:

Possible assumption of wife when husband seems to be avoiding her- “He doesn’t want to talk to me again today!”

I-statement from husband- “I feel frustrated when we talk about the bills so I avoid that conversation.”

 

Example 2: 

Possible assumption of parent when teen doesn’t want to talk about school-“He probably wasn’t paying attention or was goofing off in class again!”

I-statement that teen could say“I feel overwhelmed when I think about school work.”

When you use “I” statements, it allows the person to ask “why” or “how come” and possibly increase both peoples’ interest and motivation to understand each other. Also setting boundaries helps when you want to communicate effectively.  Identifying the goal of the conversation, tone of voice, locations, and statements that will be the most helpful and/or damaging to your efforts to communicate effectively is important. Writing down these rules and making them readily available and helps each person to remember what makes your communication effective. You can talk with your family and decide what rules work best for everybody a write them down so each person knows how they can stay focused on effectively communicating.

Example of rules: 

The Don’ts- No yelling, no talking when one person is angry, no name calling, no placing blame, no talking in front of the kids, in the living room, in public, or over the phone. 

The Do’s- Talk in the car, bedroom, face to face, or in private space. Talk calmly, use I statements, be supportive, listen and wait my turn.

It's true communicating effectively can be very hard work, but it's worth it in the end so that both people feel heard. That’s why most of the problem is how we talk about the problem and not what the problem actually is. With effective communication, most problems can be solved. I hope these tips will be helpful the next time you need to communicate with one of your loved ones!

New Year...New You

Are you looking to make that lifestyle change of better health for 2019?

We are excited to announce one of our therapists (who is also a certified personal trainer) will be running a group that focuses on whole body wellness. Starting in February, the “Beat the Winter Blues Fitness Group” sessions will be held once a week for 4 weeks. It will be held on Saturdays from February 2 to February 23, from 1pm-2:30pm. It will be held at Crossfit Lititz, located at 37 W. Millport Rd, Lititz, PA 17543. The group will be 45 minutes of exercise, followed by 45 minutes of group therapy. Some examples of topics that will be covered are healthy coping skills, depression, anxiety, healthy relationships, and self-care. The sessions are $60 a week, and you must commit to all 4 weeks. This group will help your overall mental health, by improving your physical and emotional health while being in a supportive environment. 

For more info or to register, contact Stacy at stacy@DiscoverCounselingCollective.com
or (717) 723-8040, ext 300

To support the premise that working out is good not only for your physical wellbeing but also your mental wellbeing, here is a reprisal of Stacy’s blog from last year on how working out is good for your mental health:

How Physical Exercise Benefits Your Mental Health

Make Lifestyle Changes, not New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year 2019!  

What are your plans for the new year? Let’s see, mine are watching Penn State win the Citrus Bowl and then having the traditional pork and sauerkraut dinner for luck throughout the year. 

Ok, so that is not exactly what I meant when I ask what your plans for the new year are; although you likely will be doing some traditions that are very special to you and I encourage you to continue celebrating them!  I am talking about the New Year’s resolutions which have been drilled into our heads since being young children. I will be frank here, I dislike the idea of New Year’s resolutions. I believe it sets us up for poor follow through with the changes and often making unrealistic resolutions “goals” that are not well thought out and lacking steps to accomplish and maintain the resolutions “goals”. Some of the most common resolutions I’ve heard are “I will eat better”, “I will exercise more”, or “I will save more money”. These are great; at least they are in theory. However, my questions are...how are we going to achieve these and how long will we maintain these “resolutions”? I personally prefer to call them life style changes. It makes them more realistic, attainable, and sustainable. I also prefer to and encourage others to make positive life changes throughout the year instead of waiting to make them on New Year’s. It is always a good time to make positive life style changes.

January 1, 1994 someone very dear to me did not make a New Year’s resolution but instead made a life style change which he continues to this day, 25 years later! He stopped consuming alcohol entirely. He was what many call “a functioning alcoholic”. He maintained employment and relationships. He paid his bills and supported his family. However, much of the time beer was his best friend and what he did to celebrate good things, to “numb negative emotions”, to socialize, and to relax. The reality is, everything was a reason or time to drink. He did not think about potential consequences related to drinking but rather the good feelings associated with drinking.  He shared that his drinking continued to increase and that he remembers drinking in excess during college.  He shared that his drinking decreased some when he had a family; although, he now understands and accepts that his drinking never decreased enough to be healthy until he stopped drinking entirely January 1, 1994.


He started his life style change when he was told by his family that they would not continue to watch him drink and that it was damaging their family more than anyone could know.  Despite his family’s desires, insistence, and ultimatum; he had to make the decision himself to stop drinking.  This was not easy for him, but he made the commitment to doing so.  He began by contacting Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and that day, an AA member came to the house and dumped all alcohol down the drain.  He then made conscious daily, and sometimes minute to minute decisions, to not consume alcohol.  He attended and participated in AA meetings.  However, what worked best for him was a commitment to change which meant changing his responses to thoughts and urges to drink and avoiding people, places, and things that were triggers for him to drink.  This was not always easy; especially after life stressors such as death of immediate family members and job loss.  However, he was more understanding and accepting that to return to drinking to numb his feelings and emotions would just make him feel better for a time but then his feelings, situations, and thoughts would be just as bad if not worse.  This life style change will be something that he will work on and towards for the rest of his life.  


Making positive life style changes is not just about addressing drinking too much or using illicit substances.  People can be addicted to anything, including working, exercise, sex, shopping, and social media, to just list a few. Caffeine is a major addiction for most people, for it is in coffee, tea, chocolate, and many other things that most of us consume at least once daily, often consuming it throughout the day. However, it seems that few people acknowledge or associate addictions with daily activities and socially accepted actions such as consuming too much caffeine.  Many say they could change these patterns and behaviors if they wanted to but don’t because either “I don’t want to” or “it isn’t a problem”.  Life style changes can and often include better self-care and maintaining boundaries as noted in previous blogs.  Making positive life changes is not easy, but anyone can make and maintain positive changes.  It takes much time and effort but the positive results are very rewarding and worth it.  Also, it is important to remember to not get discouraged about any set backs but instead learn from what has caused the set back and make different decisions and change actions in the future so that you can continue with your progress to a new and healthier you.  I know you can do it just as I knew and still know that the friend I mentioned can do it! Here are some steps to help you start your positive life changes.

Steps to make positive life style changes include:

1.    Identifying what you would like to change for example “I want to spend more time doing self-care activities.”

2.   Identify strategies to make the change for example; “I will read daily and I will maintain boundaries.”

3.   Identify what may not be working with regards to making the changes and learn from them- for example deciding to exercise for an hour a day 7 days a week may not be realistic or even the best practice initially so first try small steps such as exercising for 15 minutes a day at least 3 days a week.

4.   Review and celebrate your progress, acknowledging even the small progress such as “I said no to working overtime when in the past I would have agreed to do so.” 

5.   Seek and accept support, help, and encouragement from others.  Positive self-change is most successful when you have a positive support network in place which often includes family, friends, and other peers making similar positive life changes. 

6.   Most importantly, DON’T GIVE UP OR GET DISCOURAGED!!!!!!!!!  We are all “a work in progress” and we can and will do this! 

If you are struggling with addiction or have a desire to make positive life changes, I encourage you strongly to seek help doing so and we are here to help you!  What are some areas of your life that you would like to change?  

But I'm Just A Teen...How Can I Set Boundaries?

I am writing this post for teens to read, and for parents and caregivers of teens to read. It can be difficult for teenagers to set boundaries in relationships, whether it is a friendship or an intimate relationship. It is hard for teenagers to know what their personal values and beliefs are, and furthermore, to stand up for those values and beliefs when they engage in a relationship. However, it is a very important thing to do. With alcohol use, drug use, and the growing population of young people engaging in sexual activity, it is easy to let their guard down and give into peer pressure or “what’s cool and popular”. It could be hard for teenagers to be leaders, especially if they feel like they are outnumbered in their beliefs. 

Anyone in a relationship has the right to stand up for what they believe in and say “no” if they don’t agree with something. If you tell a friend or a partner how you feel, and they decide not to listen to you or understand your opinion, then it may not be a good relationship. A true friend or partner would listen and respect what you are saying. 

Some qualities of a good friendship or relationship are:

Listening- Actively listening to the person who is talking means using eye contact, body language such as head nodding to show that you are paying attention, and rephrasing pieces that they talk about when responding.

Talking to each other- Not yelling, taking turns, expressing yourself.

Respecting each other- Actively listening, giving feedback, and understanding each other’s perspectives even if they are different.

Compromising- If you have different beliefs about something, find a way to make both of you happy.

Trust and honesty- You want the other person in the relationship to feel like they can tell you anything, and you won’t share it with others if they ask you not to.

Sharing- In any kind of relationship, it is important to share time together, things that each of you have, and communicate about things that happened to each of you.

Being supportive- No matter what the other person in the relationship says, show that you support their opinion or belief.

Not teasing them- If they have a different belief or opinion, you should listen and respect their viewpoint, not tease or make fun of them for it.

Apologize if you are wrong- We all make mistakes, and that’s ok, it’s part of life! It is important to apologize when we are wrong if the relationship is important to you.

In romantic relationships, whether it is an emotional or physical attraction, it is also important to express how you feel about something. If your partner does not respect your word or your belief, then it is not a healthy relationship to be in. Talking about your beliefs and boundaries is a great way to communicate with your partner, to make sure the relationship will be healthy and that you feel safe in the relationship.

Setting boundaries defines what your property is- physically, emotionally and mentally. It defines what is yours. You have control over your body, mind and heart. Boundaries protect you. They keep the good in and the bad out. You have control over how others treat you. And, you have control and choice over what boundaries to set. You deserve to be yourself and be respected for who you are and what boundaries you choose to set.  You have the right to be treated with respect, no matter what your values, opinions and beliefs are.

Some values to set boundaries around about are:

How physical or intimate to get with each other- In a healthy relationship, your partner should respect you if you do not want to “go all the way”, or become sexually involved. 

How fast to say “I love you”- One partner may feel this way faster than the other, but that does not mean the other partner has to say it. Say it when you are ready, not just because you feel like you need to.

Time together vs. time apart- It is important to have time away from your partner, even when you are in a relationship. If your partner wants to be with you or talk to you constantly, this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Being around alcohol and/or drug use- Whatever your values and beliefs are about alcohol and/or drug use, communicate them and your partner should respect them. Do not give into peer pressure! Communicate how you feel about alcohol and/or drug use, and being around others that use these substances.

Social media use and sharing- With all of the social media out these days, it is important to set boundaries and express how you feel about being “tagged”, following each other’s friends, commenting on each other’s posts, posting pictures, and sharing passwords, etc.

If you are a teenager, or a caregiver of a teenager and you want help identifying your beliefs and values, there are some activities you can do. You could do role playing where you act out a situation where the teenager is put in an uncomfortable situation, and talk through what they would do and say. You could look at your values, beliefs and opinions and how you can use them to set boundaries in relationships. You could watch or read something, and talk about the relationships in that movie or book, and discuss if they are healthy or unhealthy, or what boundaries are being set between the two people.

Do you have any personal stories or advice for teens having difficulty setting boundaries in their relationships?

Sources:

https://www.livestrong.com/article/560486-activities-to-reinforce-healthy-boundaries-in-teenagers/

http://tentotwenty.com/teaching-teens-boundaries-and-harmful-relationships/

How To Revolutionize Your Self Care...just in time for 2019!

It is that time of year again…..Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now 2019 is staring at us!  So much hustle and bustle and stress.  We are all bombarded by pressures to cook large meals, bake cookies, attend all the parties and holiday activities, decorate our homes, and purchase and give the perfect gift for everyone including donations to charities. Of course, we also are expected to maintain daily functioning of our lives such as working, caring for family, and the all too familiar paying the mounting bills.  If this all seems overwhelming, well, it is!  Our lives are busy during “normal” times of the year let alone a time of the year that has so many celebrated holidays in a 2-month time period. Please don’t get me wrong- I love all the festivities and excitement of this time of the year, but failure to set boundaries and limitations will lead to burnout and wishing the holidays would just be over instead of celebrating the joys of the season with our friends and loved ones.  

We cannot forget that this time of the year is also very hard and challenging for those who are not feeling the excitement of the season whether it is due to struggling with addiction, mental health symptoms, incarceration, financial strains, or grief and loss.  It is hard to be cheery when such sadness and stress is affecting us so deeply.  Often people will say “this is a wonderful time of the year, you should be happy”. True, it is a wonderful time of the year, but it also brings out much sadness and anxiety.  For those of us who are facing our first or umpteenth holiday without our loved ones for whatever reason, we are faced with the question, “how do I get through the holidays?”  Sadly, there is not an answer to that question.  Many people offer platitudes such as “your loved one would want you happy” or “they are in a better place”.  Be that as it may, it doesn’t change the fact of the sadness and loss facing us.  I have learned through the years that we honor those we’ve lost by continuing some traditions and creating new ones.  We still grieve and miss our loved ones, but we can also again enjoy the holidays. The holidays will never be the same, but we will learn to “survive” the holidays.

There is one major way to get through the holidays and every other day of our lives-good self-care!  Sounds simple, right?  If it was only as simple as it sounds, then we would all be “experts” at good self-care. What is good self-care?  That is the million dollar question.  I am sure many of us have some ideas about what good self-care is such as eating healthy and balanced meals and getting enough sleep. That certainly is a part of good self-care.  However, self-care encompasses several aspects of our lives including spiritual, physical, and emotional health.  Now this adds some depth to what good self-care is.  I know, I am repeating “good self-care” but perhaps if it is said enough, all of us, including myself, will pay more attention to it and focus on it more. We must have good self-care to live fulfilling lives and to be able to care for others. We must gain a better understanding of how to take care of ourselves.  Some suggestions include the following:

1.      Just say no: Yes, it sounds like the anti-drug commercials in the 1980’s ,but it is true.  It is ok to say no, and we should do so more often.  For example, it is Saturday evening and a friend calls and asks you to help them move on Sunday, I am sure many of us would want to help despite being tired or having other plans.  If we say yes, we face resentments and frustrations of having to change our plans at last minute.  To say no often leads to feelings of guilt.  Why do we feel guilty for saying no?  Good question and the answer is, there is no reason to feel guilty for saying no when that is what we want to say!  In case you forgot, we also wrote about saying no in this blog post.

2.      Stop comparing yourself to others:  Again, easier said than done!  We all have compared ourselves to others and have been groomed to do so in all areas of our lives….salary, education, relationship status, etc.  So instead of comparing ourselves with others, focus instead on our growth and positive changes that we have made within ourselves.

3.     Make good self-care activities a priority daily:  Practicing good self-care is not something you do once a week or once a month as a reward for hard work. Rather, it is a must to do daily. Some examples include taking a lunch break away from work, eat ing balanced meals, and getting enough fulfilling sleep each day.

I am challenging each and everyone of us to 14 days of self-care activities and I encourage you to continue to do them well past 14 days!  Some suggestions include:

Day 1:  Look in the mirror and say 10 things you like about yourself.  This may be challenging at first but keep practicing and it will become easier to do.

Day 2:  Go to the zoo.   Enjoy nature and seeing the awe of children.

Day 3:  Read a book or at least a chapter of a book.  Chicken Soup for the SoulBooks are great for those who do not like to read long books but prefer stories and as a bonus, they are very warming and motivating.

Day 4:  Stay off all social media…yes you can do it and I am sure you will enjoy it more than you realize.

Day 5:  Make a snow angel and if there isn’t snow, find a puddle and jump in it.  Let your inner child out.  

Day 6:  Call a friend that you haven’t talked to in a long time and I mean call, not text or email.  We have gotten too far away from direct contact.

Day 7:  Listen to soothing music. I love to listen to Orla Fallon or Chicago, but you will find what you like best.

Day 8:  Find and do a new hobby. Perhaps arranging flowers is something you will enjoy or maybe a game of flag football is more your style but the point is, just do it!

Day 9:  Sit still, even for 15 minutes and focus on nothing but breathing in and out. 

Day 10:  Laugh!  Whatever you need to do to get a good laugh, do it. Laughter is so very therapeutic!

Day 11:  Cuddle with your pet. Ok, some of us do this daily which is great, so for those of us who do this routinely, add an additional 30 minutes of doing so.  Nothing quite as calming as that of a purr of a cat, at least to me that is.

Day 12:  Do some volunteer work. Helping others in need and seeing their joy is one of the most rewarding things in life.

Day 13:  Dress up to just dress up and to feel good.  

Day 14:  Take time for a long soothing shower or bath.  It alleviates aches and is quiet time.  Sing in the shower if you choose, but just do it!

What are some of your self-care activities?  We would love to hear your ideas and experiences.

An Easy Way To Practice Gratitude Daily

In honor of Thanksgiving later this week, I’d like to address the topic of gratitude by reminding you of a previous blog post. This blog post from earlier this year addresses the idea of keeping a daily gratitude journal as a way to help you stay focused on what is going well in your life. This is a technique I often mention to my clients, because it can help shift your thinking. It’s just so easy and powerful, it’s worth revisiting, especially since it’s Thanksgiving time. If you’ve been keeping a gratitude journal since I first mentioned it, I’d love to hear how it’s going for you. If you have never heard of this idea before and want to learn more, read on!

Click here to read the blog.

And, to put this into practice……please comment to share with us one thing you grateful for this Thanksgiving.

4 Tips To Be A More Assertive Communicator

Do you feel like you overcommit to doing things?  Do you feel like you are always giving to others but are worn out by it?  Do you feel like others take advantage of you and your kindness? 

If you said yes to any of these questions, you might struggle with assertive communication. Oftentimes, we think we should help out anyone who asks, and say “yes” to doing anything asked of us.  We might feel guilty if we don’t help out. But, if we don’t have good self care and balance, though, this overcommitting can wear us down. 

Being assertive means standing up for yourself, your needs and your wants.  It means possibly setting limits with others-outlining for them how they can (and can’t) treat you or what they can (and can’t) expect of you.   

Even if you aren’t naturally assertive, you can learn some skills! Here are some 4 suggestions of things to think about and try to be a more assertive communicator: 

  1. How do you feel? : Paying attention to how you feel is the first step of all of these suggestions.  Do you feel stressed?  Overwhelmed?  Do you feel others really care for you and show you concern?  Journaling is a great tool to help you to recognize your feelings, and patterns with how you feel in certain situations or with certain people.  

  2. Communicate : After you know how you feel, you can express those feelings to others.  Clearly state how you feel, and/or what you need from the other person, especially when you are feeling upset.  Saying “I feel you aren’t listening to me” is a better option than walking away, feeling as if what you say doesn’t matter to your partner or friend.  Repressing your feelings is the tendency to not share your feelings, and this can harm you in the long run.  Saying something is usually better than holding those feelings inside. 

  3. Say “no” : Practice saying no, starting in situations where you don’t feel obligated to help.  Things like your child’s preschool asking for a volunteer on a day where you already have a doctor’s appointment, or participating in the neighborhood yard sale might be situations where it may be easier to say “no”.  Notice how you feel after you say “no”.  There might be feelings of guilt or disappointment, but there also might be feelings of relief and pride.  After you have had practice saying “no” in a variety of situations, then challenge yourself to say “no” to things you don’t REALLY want to do.  Remind yourself it is not your responsibility to help out everyone all the time, even if they try to make you feel like it is. 

  4. Ask for help : Don’t be afraid to ask for assistance yourself.  Let those in your life know if you need help getting both kids to their sports practices at the same time on the same night, or if you are working late, ask your partner to start dinner.  Being able to admit that you could use some help to lighten your load is a key in being an assertive communicator. 

Hopefully these tips can get you started in thinking through the things you commit to doing, and why, and will help you to be more assertive in the long run.  If you’ve tried these suggestions, let us know how it is going for you! 

8 Tips to Create a Strong Blended Family

In my 6+ years of step-parenting in a blended family, I have learned that it can be one of the most difficult things, but also one of the most rewarding and loving things. It has been a journey for me, of challenging moments, and rewarding moments. I know there are many other blended families that are struggling with the same stress, the same frustration, but looking for the same rewarding relationships in the end. 

Let’s cover the basics:

A blended family is any family that consists of a couple and their children from previous relationships. 

-       1 out of every 3 Americans is either a step-parent, a step-child, or has some other form of a blended family in some way, which means almost 100 million people.

-       It is estimated that in the US, 2,100 new blended families form everyday.

So, blended families are very common. They can be very difficult on all of the family members, but putting in the work and effort is worth it, to create a solid family foundation. It can take several years, or more, for a family to find a way that is comfortable for everyone.  It is important to remember that the relationships formed within a blended family are can be REWARDING, and what is what you are working towards.

8 Tips to Create a Strong Blended Family:

1- Communication: Open communication between all family members is key. It is important to always express how you feel to your spouse, and to others at times that you want to speak with someone outside of the blended family. It’s important to keep communication open with the children involved, and to encourage them to express their feelings and seek help when needed. Everyone involved in a blended family should have someone they can talk to, to process through bumps and obstacles along the way. (Not sure if therapy is right for you? Check out this blog which addresses that question.)

2- One on One time:  It is important to make time to be alone with the children, to work on building an individual relationship.  It is also important to set aside time for the couple involved, without children, to maintain a solid relationship between the adults in the family.

3. Support through Transitions: Support the children in their transitions if there is a custody schedule- it is hard constantly moving back and forth between houses! They need a double set of everything at each house, or need to constantly be packing and unpacking a bag. This can make them feel very unstable in their life. Make sure they have someone to talk to about these transitions, and stay positive and respectful when talking to your child about the other house. Try to offer as much stability as you can.

4. Family activities: Find activities that everyone can do together. It is important to find activities that everyone enjoys, to work on building a family unit. Some examples of this would be to go on a hike, or to play at the playground, or have a picnic in your backyard. 

5. Respect: It is important to keep an open-mind and an open heart, and understand that this is difficult for the children too. They did not ask for their biological parents to separate, or even have a conflictual relationship. Always speak of the other parent with respect- the child does not want to hear negative statements about their parent.

6. Consistency: It is important to stay consistent with your spouse, with the children, and with your beliefs and values, because all children, thrive off of structure, routine, and consistency. This is another time that constant communication with your spouse is key, so that there is consistency and structure in the household, now that two families are coming together. 

7. It’s ok that it’s hard!: It is important to acknowledge that being a stepparent or a blended family is HARD and you are doing the best that you can. There will be hard times, there will be tension at times, there will be times of crying and disagreement, BUT YOU WILL WORK THROUGH IT.

8. Self care: It is important to know that even the most dedicated (step)parent can get exhausted, overwhelmed, and on the way to burn-out. This DOES NOT mean that you are not doing a good job, or that you can’t fulfill the shoes of being a (step)parent, it just means you need a break, some “me time”, to blow off some steam and feel connected with others. 

Does the stress of (step)parenting sometimes push you to the edge? What has worked for you to help the family work together and find a good mix, or to help you recharge?

 

SOURCES:

https://brandongaille.com/20-noteworthy-statistics-of-blended-families/

https://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/step-parenting-blended-families/

When is the last time you were bored? 

Please watch this TED talk! Spare 15 minutes and then come back for some thoughts on it….

How are you filling the cracks in your day?  Instead of daydreaming while waiting for your latte, we now tend to update our social media platform, and “check in” at the coffee shop, so others know what we’re doing. 

I wanted to share this TED talk with you on boredom and the link to creativity.  This is a topic that comes up in sessions with clients: either the client is worried about their smartphone use, or we talk through how to set limits for their teen’s smartphone use.  This short TED talk by a journalist who consulted with researchers addresses our attention, smartphone use as a society, and allowing ourselves to have time where we are bored and allowing our minds to wonder.   

Our brains are not designed to multi-task.  What we are really doing is shifting our attention back and forth, using glucose and depleting neural resources each time.   There are a million things vying for our attention, and with smartphones, there are now thousands of engineers and designers all trying to capture and hold our attention.  And, with marketing endeavors, trying to monetize our attention. 

Now that smartphones are an integral part of our lives, on average, we pick them up 60 times a day (to see if we got an email or text), and spend more than 2 hours daily on them.  We use them to navigate somewhere while driving, or to check the weather to see when it’s going to rain.  We access the internet to look up the score of the game, or call to order a pizza.  But, we also have many social media apps and spend time socializing that way with others.  Zomorodi talks about a study she did with her listeners called “Bored and Brilliant”.  Watch the TED talk for details of the study and the results!  

Her final thoughts suggest asking yourself, “What am I really looking for?....  But if it’s to distract yourself from doing the hard work that comes with deeper thinking, take a break and stare out the window.  And, know that by doing nothing, you are actually being your most productive and creative self.” 

After you watch the talk, please share with us your thoughts.  And, share with us how else you spend the cracks in YOUR day?   

How Physical Exercise Benefits Your Mental Health

Are you experiencing…

-Headaches?

-Tense muscles?

- Depression?

- Weight gain and decreased metabolism?

- Blood pressure problems?

- Hair loss?

-Being sick a lot?

-Stomach aches?

-Trouble sleeping?

-Lowered sex drive?

-Jaw pain?

Stress is a part of everyday life. There are many ways to cope with stress, but exercise is an important part of coping. Besides improving your overall health, exercise helps us have more energy, improve alertness and the ability to concentrate, and increase our thought processing. These things can be very helpful when stress has made it difficult to concentrate, or zapped your energy. It has been found that regular exercise will decrease levels of stress, help to increase mood, improve sleep, and improve self-esteem.

Exercise produces hormones called endorphins, which act as natural painkillers, and also help with sleep, which can in turn, reduce stress. Exercise also decreases stress hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline.

We often suggest meditation as a way to cope with anxiety and depression. Meditation is the practice of focusing on one thought or movement and clearing your mind to an emotional state of calmness. This allows you to free your mind of all negative thoughts and stressors in the past and future, and only focus on the present thought or movement. Exercise acts as meditation in movement, as you focus on your body movements. When you exercise, you focus on your movements, your breath, and how your body feels. Your attention is taken away from the stressful events of the day, and focused on the present moment. You are able to detach from the negative thoughts or events of that day. Learning how to focus on a single task, added to the energy that exercise gives you, may help you remain calm in everything that you do. Even 5 minutes can stimulate anti-anxiety effects. You don’t have to be an athlete or in top shape, to add a little bit of exercise to your daily routine.

Along with an improved self-image and self-esteem, exercise will improve your physical health. All of these things will improve your overall mental health and happiness. 

There are many excuses one can make to not start an exercise program. When I had my son, I knew I wanted to get back into exercise as soon as I could, but it was hard to find the time and energy. I felt like I did not have enough time to take care of myself, because I had a newborn to take care of that took up all my time and energy. Once I was able to commit to exercise when he was napping, or after he went to bed at night, or while a family member watched him, I was able to care for him better because I was not as stressed and my mood was elevated. 

5 Tips On Beginning An Exercise Program:

1. Decide to make an important change in your life. Don’t be afraid!

2. Consult with your doctor, if there are any health concerns or if it has been a long time since you have been physical

3. Walk before you run- start your program slowly if you are new to it, to prevent yourself from injury

4. Do what you love-it is important to find an activity that you enjoy. Some examples are running, walking, swimming, playing a sport, yoga, weightlifting, boxing. Try new things!

5. Set achievable goals and put it in your calendar- set measurable goals that you can achieve, and pencil it in your calendar so you make sure you have time to fit it in that week. Even if you have to break up 30 minutes of walking into 3 10-minute walks, still do it! Find a friend or a trainer if this helps you to stay motivated and accountable.

Anybody have experience with exercise benefiting their mental health and overall happiness? Anyone have struggles that they overcame to stick with an exercise program? Please share your stories! 

 

Guest Blog Post by:

Stacy Martinez, LCSW

Certified Personal Trainer

Certified Health coach

Field Hockey coach

 

Sources:

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/stress/physical-activity-reduces-st

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469

https://blog.spire.io/2018/03/19/how-does-exercise-reduce-stress/

https://www.activebeat.com/your-health/10-ways-stress-can-affect-physical-health/10/

What to Expect in your Initial Therapy Appointment

(Today’s blog is the final installment in a 3-Part series regarding starting therapy. Part 1 focused on questions to ask yourself or situations that might make you want to consider therapy.  Part 2 addressed ways to find a therapist to work with, and Part 3 will focus on what to expect in your initial therapy appointment. If you missed either earlier post, click here to catch up!) 

Now that you’ve decided you want to start therapy, and you have selected a therapist to work with, what comes next? 

The therapist should give you a heads up as far as what the next step is after you schedule your first appointment.  Each therapist might do things slightly differently, so don’t be afraid to ask if you are not quite sure what to expect.  Some might have you come in 30-60 minutes prior to your first appointment to fill out paperwork. Some, like our practice, use electronic health records, and would ask you for an email address to send you access to a secure client portal.  In this case, you can view and fill out the paperwork at home, and electronically sign it.  Either way you complete the paperwork, expect to read about the practice’s policies and procedures, how they handle your confidential information, consent to treatment, and fill out some background information as far was why you are looking to start therapy.  This paperwork would outline things like if the practice allows interns or non-licensed therapist, if they accept insurances or their self-pay rates, if they use encrypted email and phone systems, and what their cancellation policies are.  It might seem boring, but we would suggest reading through all of this information, since at the end of the documents, you are going to sign your understanding and agreement with it.   

Each practice might handle insurance differently too.  Some practices do not accept insurance at all, and allow you to submit your self-payment to your insurance for possible out of network reimbursement.  Some expect you to verify your coverage with your insurance provider. Others, like our practice, will ask for your insurance information and will verify your benefits prior to the initial appointment.  Either way, you can follow up with your insurance provider to clarify your coverage or talk with your therapist about what your coverage might mean.  Feel free to ask questions about your benefits, as insurance is often confusing!

The initial appointment is called an intake.  In this session, the focus will be a little more administrative than future sessions.  You will probably review the documents you signed and ask any questions about them that might have come up.  Your therapist may have you complete more specific assessments (regarding anxiety or depression symptoms, for example) to gather more information.  Then, you will probably start to talk about what is bringing you into therapy, what your goals are for your sessions, and how you will know when you’ve reached those goals.  If you are using insurance, please realize that your therapist will need to make a mental health diagnosis in order for your insurance to cover your sessions.  An example of a diagnosis is anything from ADHD to Unspecified Depressive Disorder.  The background information will give your therapist information in order to make an accurate diagnosis.  Beyond a code to bill to your insurance, the diagnosis can mean very little, so don’t get too hung up on it.  Focus on your goals for therapy and what benefit you want to see rather than what your diagnosis is.  Or, talk to your therapist if the diagnosis bothers you or you have questions about it. 

Your therapist will most likely ask you, probably very pointedly, about drug and alcohol use, as well as self-harm behaviors and suicidal thoughts.  Part of our job involves your safety, and so we need to ask about these things.  Please speak honestly, so that we have all the information possible to best help you if you are struggling in these areas. 

If you didn’t have a consult prior to a first session, see the intake as your chance to ask questions and determine if this therapist is a good fit for you.  Our hope at The Counseling Collective is that you leave an initial appointment feeling (somewhat) more hopeful.  If you feel much worse, this could be a sign that the therapist, or his/her style, is not for you.  Either way, communicate openly with your therapist what your needs and expectations are. 

Hopefully, if you go through the steps we’ve suggested in this series, you will be in therapy with someone you feel comfortable with, getting help to address your problem or concern. We’d love to hear from you if you have any feedback or questions about this series, or therapy in general.  Our hope is that by sharing these topics over the past few weeks, you have a better understanding now of the beginning of the therapeutic process.  Here’s to better mental wellness! 

How to find a Therapist to Work With (Part 2 of 3)

So now that you've decided you want to pursue therapy, how do you go about finding a therapist?  (Today’s blog is Part 2 in a 3-Part series regarding starting therapy. Part 1 focused on questions to ask yourself or situations that might make you want to consider therapy.  Part 2 will address ways to find a therapist to work with, and Part 3 will focus on what to expect in your initial therapy appointment. Click here if you missed Part 1 to read it and catch up!)

We think the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client is a very important factor in how the client progresses in therapy. If the client feels self-conscious, or as if the therapist is judgmental, he/she might not open up and share completely and honestly. We tell our clients that working with a therapist is just like any other relationship-it may take time to develop and that is completely normal. There are some people you will naturally get along better with, some that you get along better with after you know each other a little more, and some that you won’t “click” with or feel comfortable with. 

As with anything else, word of mouth referrals are always a good way to find out about local therapists.  If you know someone who has been in therapy, ask them what they liked or didn't like about their therapist, or their experience in therapy.  Ask if they'd go back to that therapist, and if not, why.  You ask your friends for a recommendation for a roofer, dentist, or pediatrician, so why not for a therapist too?

Another great place to find a good therapist is to ask your primary care doctor for a referral.  Many doctors know therapists in the area, and are happy to provide contact information for local therapists.  Your primary care doctor can also give you assessments to determine your level of anxiety or depression (for example), and can make referrals based on how you answer these questionnaires.

You can also call your insurance provider and ask for a list of therapists in your area.  This way you know for sure that the therapist you contact works with your insurance, if you are planning to use it.  Just realize that working through insurances dictates some elements of treatment, such as session length or frequency.  Some insurances can filter down therapists in your area based on availability or treatment concerns to a few that most closely match what you are looking for.  From this list, you can either google them to look around their website for more information, or call the therapists directly.

After you find a therapist to contact, feel free to ask for a free consult, whether in person or on the phone.  (Not all therapist offer free consults, and how they do them will differ slightly.)  A consultation offers the chance for both the therapist and potential client to determine if them working together would be a good fit. Regardless of if you are able to do a consult or not, if you can, speak with the therapist on the phone, just to ask any general questions you may have.  By having a phone conversation, you will be able to pick up on their tone of voice, inflections, and displays of empathy. Ask yourself if your first impression is that the therapist is likable and someone you think you could grow to trust.  If so, give it a try!

When you are on the phone with the potential therapist, here are some ideas of some questions to ask:

"How often do you meet with new clients?"

"Can you accommodate my scheduling needs?"

"Do you work with my insurance?"

"How have you worked with others with “X” issue before?"

Be honest with what it is you are struggling with or are looking for help to address, so you can best assess if this therapist is a good fit for you.

Another idea is to commit to 4-6 sessions before deciding if you think the therapeutic relationship will work for you. Typically in the first 1-3 sessions, you will be going over administrative things, and getting to know each other and your history, so give yourself a few sessions beyond that before evaluating if you want to proceed further.

Be sure to check back in 2 weeks for our final installment "What to expect in your initial appointment" in this 3-part series.  Let us know if this post was helpful, or if you have other thoughts or questions!

 

Guidance to know the answer to "When should I consider therapy"?

Today’s blog is Part 1 in a 3-Part series regarding starting therapy. Part 1 focuses on questions to ask yourself or situations that might make you want to consider therapy.  Part 2 will address ways to find a therapist to work with, and Part 3 will focus on what to expect in your initial therapy appointment.  

We find that many people have misconceptions about therapy, and I am hoping this 3-Part series will help answer some of those questions, and address some inaccuracies about therapy. 

How do I know when I should consider therapy?

Great question, and of course my first answer would be anytime!  The reason I say that is because therapy can be a time for self-reflection, a pause in your busy life to prioritize what you are doing and why.  Just like scheduling a massage, going for a run, or getting a mani/pedi allows you time to focus on YOU, therapy can offer the same benefit. A gym membership can lead to good physical health while therapy can lead to good mental health.  Maintaining good mental health is always a good idea, and therapy can help with that.

Therapy is also appropriate when you might be looking for unbiased,professional help. Therapy can be considered if you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, or are dissatisfied with your job, but can also be helpful if you don’t want to leave your house due to sadness or worry. The spectrum of people who can benefit from therapy is quite wide! As long as you are willing to open up to a therapist and are interested in having guidance to address some of your concerns or help get you back on track, then therapy is appropriate. 

A good rule of thumb is if you are consistently feeling: 

Unfulfilled

Stressed

Unhappy

Worried 

Sad

Drained

Questioning yourself or what you're doing, then therapy might be something to consider. 

Oftentimes, we feel dissatisfied, and don’t know why. You might say “I’m doing everything I can and I’m still not happy.”  This might lead to just trying harder, and doing more, which ends up leaving you even more drained.  This is when having a professional with an outside perspective assisting you could be beneficial.

Or, sometimes your friend, boss, or your spouse might suggest you talk to someone.  If someone close to you suggests this, please take a pause to consider. Might they see something that you don't ? Maybe they see you drinking too much to calm down every night, or maybe they see you pulling away from friendships due to anxiety.  As long as these are trusted people in your life, this might be another indicator that seeing a therapist would be a good idea.

“I don’t need therapy.  My doctor gave me medicine for my sadness/anxiety” – My reply to this would be that you should still consider therapy.  Medication can be helpful, but it might not target some of the underlying reasons you are feeling sad or worried.  Research studies have repeatedly shown that clients receive the most benefit when medication is combined with therapy, rather than just medication alone.

In the end, therapy can help you maintain good mental wellbeing, and adjust what you are doing so you are happier, more fulfilled, or less anxious.  And, who doesn’t want that?!

Feel free to reach out to our office if you aren’t sure if therapy could benefit you.  And, stay tuned to our next blog – Part 2 in this series on how to find a therapist!

 

Lessons Learned After One Year in Private Practice   

It just so happens that today my biweekly Tuesday blog post falls on the exact date that I opened the doors of my private practice! July 17, 2017 was the first day I saw clients in my own business.  So happy one year anniversary to us! 

In the past year, I have formed a business and expanded into a group practice.  I went from being a solo clinician going out on my own to hiring another therapist to be able to better serve the referrals I am receiving.  Through it all, I have appreciated your support.  The kind words, the encouragement, the “shares” and “likes”.  I hope that you are receiving helpful information from the business, and that you are more aware of how to strive for and preserve overall mental wellness.   

In reflection, here are some life lessons I’ve learned over the past year in private practice.  I hope that they can be valuable tips to you too! 

Be Willing To Grow And Ask For Help. I fully admit I don’t know everything. A year ago, I had no idea what was required to work with insurance companies as a private mental health practice.  I just knew others who had done it and figured I would be able to figure it out too!  Throughout this process, which was more than a year in the making, I have consulted with other private practitioners and other entrepreneurs. I regularly meet with others to “pick their brain” and get a sense of how they think, procedures they have in place, what’s working and what’s not, etc.  I would recommend that you consider surrounding yourself with people from which you can learn.  Always be looking for ways to learn and grow in your abilities.  You won’t be disappointed. 

Embrace Change.  Changes can be scary. Don’t we all like knowing what to expect?! Life is so much easier when our day to day is the same.  But, that can become immensely boring!  I would challenge you to work at not letting that fear of change stop you from doing the things that will help you pursue your dreams.  If you can learn to act despite fear, you might accomplish great things! 

The Next Important Thing. Starting a business is overwhelming.  Really stressful, with multiple moving parts to focus on and try to control.  I had to form an LLC, decide where to host my website, build my website, set up encrypted emails, contract with insurance companies, set up a bank account, go through the design process for a logo, finalize practice policies, write practice documents, decide on an electronic health record, find a way to send/receive faxes, decide on a phone system.  And, that’s just the short list!  Some of these tasks were of course exciting and fun, but when you have a huge list, it can be daunting!  And, yes, there were times I worked all day seeing clients, and then worked until midnight on this list, and never felt like I could get it all done.  The way that I stayed (mostly) relaxed through all that was focusing on the next important thing. By breaking down the tasks into more manageable steps, I was able to avoid being overwhelmed. Ask yourself, “what needs done next?” or “what is the most important thing to do next?” and then focus on that.  Sometimes all you have to do is focus on what needs done next. And then the next thing. And not get overwhelmed by the enormity of it all, by instead focusing on small steps. You can accomplish a lot by just focusing on the next important thing, and one small accomplishment at a time, you can get to where you want to be. 

Again, a sincere thank you for your support and encouragement as I formed the business, started writing this blog, and expanded into a group practice.  I’m working to live my dream, and I hope to help inspire you to do the same! 

3 Quick Ways to Connect with your Teenager  

Since we work with teens, we often see distance and miscommunication between parents and their teenagers.  Teens say that their parents don’t get them, or maybe don’t care, and they think they don’t have much in common.  Parents say they don't know how to reach their teen.  Both sides seem to have a desire to strengthen their bond, but don't know how.  With that in mind, here are a few quick ways to connect with your teenager: 

1 - Conversations are a good place to start.  But, don’t just ask, “How was your day?” or "How are you?" Instead, ask some of these questions: 

“What was the best part of your day?” 

“What are you looking forward to this week/month/school year?” 

“What are you most dreading or most nervous about?” 

These questions are open ended, meaning your teen can’t just answer with a “good/bad”, or “yes/no”.  These questions are thoughtful, show that you want to try to better understand them, and can help to start more meaningful conversations.  Take the opportunity of driving in the car to chat, or when you are working on making dinner together.  It's usually easier (and more natural) to talk in situations like these where you are physically doing something.

2 - Listen to music together.  Recent research shows that listening to music together can be a great way to connect with your teen.  Have them play some of their favorite songs for you.  Then, ask what they like about the song or artist, what the song means to them, or what feelings that song brings up.  A rule here: No judgment of songs, or negative comments about the music they are sharing. Be appreciative that they are sharing their favorite music with you.  Sharing a musical experience, whether driving to soccer practice in the car together singing out loud, or at a concert, can help the two of you to bond.  And, while you’re at it, share some of your favorite songs with your teen too! 

3 - Ask them to show you how to play their favorite video game.  As long as the two of you can have patience with each other, this is a fun way to switch roles and have your teen be the expert!  Have them teach you the trick of their favorite game, and play together! 

The common thread with these ideas is spending more time together.  Developmentally, teens often want to spend more time with their peers.  But rather than just being with their friends, or alone in their rooms, these are some ideas that can bring you together.  Shared experiences, and even just more time together, can help you connect. 

Updates on the Exciting Changes at our Office

Let me explain why my blog has taken a hiatus, and why I promise it will be back on the regular schedule!  

As you might have read two weeks ago on our Facebook page, I’m delighted to announce some exciting changes with my practice. A little backstory....I opened my private practice in July 2017 and by November I was turning people away because I was full.  All through the winter, I wasn’t accepting new clients, and then I realized that I could help all of these people who I was turning away if I had other therapists who could see them! So it was earlier this year that I decided to pursue the idea of expanding my private practice to be able to better serve my clients and the referrals I was receiving.

Over the past few months, there have been a lot of changes made: I created an LLC, changed the business name, I hired my first therapist and a virtual assistant, and I've been working to train them both. I've been updating my credentialing with all the insurances I work with, and switched over both my email and phone systems.  Our Facebook page has been updated, and we launched a new website.  (My previous blog posts have been reposted at this new website in case you are looking for them.)  The Counseling Collective is also now on Instagram!  Follow us @TheCounselingCollective, or leave a message below with your handle so we can follow you!  I was looking to expand to another office eventually and space opened up in my building, and so I decided to jump on it! As of mid-June, The Counseling Collective will have two offices to see our clients in the East Petersburg location. I teamed up with my sister-in-law (my interior designer!) to outfit the new office so it feels just as homey and comfy as the first office.

All of these updates and changes have been made in order to expand, so please join me in welcoming Stacy Martinez LCSW to the practice!  She and I were previous coworkers, and I know what kind of training and work ethic she has first-hand!  Stacy is an LCSW (refer to this post about what these letters mean), and also a certified health coach, trainer, and coach.  She has been helping clients for over 6 years by focusing on their strengths with a total body wellness perspective.  She enjoys working with ages 10 through adulthood, and also enjoys working with couples.  

I’m really excited for these changes, to be better able to serve more clients, and to have Stacy join the practice.  Thank you for your support and encouragement over the past year!

How to Stop Rumination on Negative Thoughts

I recently attended a multiple day symposium in  DC on psychotherapy, and one of the trainings I attended was on disrupting rumination.  Some excellent ideas were presented there, and I wanted to share some of those ideas and my own thoughts with you. 

Let's first begin my clarifying what we're talking about.  Rumination is a repetitive focus on the negative.  (I’ve previously written about shifting your brain to focus on more positive things).  Rumination goes beyond what you tend to pay attention to or notice.  It’s a thought cycle you can’t seem to stop, thinking again and again about the same things.  It's being "stuck" on a thought.  Anxiety rumination focuses on “why” or “what if….”, while depression rumination tends to focus on feeling hopeless, helpless, inadequate or worthless.   

I was surprised to learn that one of the easiest techniques for disrupting rumination is singing.  Singing takes the focus away from rumination to a more pleasant and productive thought.  You have to pay attention to the notes, the tone and pitch, and the words, in order to sing.  Even if you are not a talented singer, singing is an excellent replacement activity to stop your rumination.  You can’t have two thoughts occupy the same space in your brain, and by shifting your focus to be the song you are singing, you naturally disrupt your ruminative thoughts.   

Tip to Try #1: If you want to try this out, I’d suggest that you start by picking a few of your favorite songs.  Chose 2 or 3 songs that you are quite familiar with, to have as you “go to” songs.  Maybe a hymn if you are a person of faith, or a song with lyrics that calm you down and resonate with you.  Decide ahead of time what your song(s) will be, so in the moment, you only have to (1) recognize that you are stuck in a negative thought cycle, and (2) remember your pre-selected song to sing.  This takes the guess work out of it! 

Another noteworthy discussion point from this training is that of the role of imagination and repetition.  Let’s say you repeatedly think about how horribly your next presentation at work will go.  You think about it in the shower in the morning, as you are getting dressed for work, as you are commuting, and while in your office preparing.  You anticipate misspeaking or forgetting an important piece of information.  Repetition strengthens your brain activity, bringing more blood (and an increase in glial cell activity) to that section of your brain.  As these pathways become strengthened, your worry pathway changes into a superhighway of worry.  And, your brain doesn’t know the difference between real and imagined.  So, those thoughts you were having of forgetting a part of your presentation your brain interprets as if it really happened.  By ruminating on a horrific or embarrassing event that you fear may happen, your brain responds as if it actually did!

Tip to Try #2: If your brain can't tell the difference between real and imagined, why cause yourself to suffer thinking about made up things?  Instead, try to imagine the life you want, and the accomplishments you would like to reach.  Try to picture yourself acing that presentation at work. 

My hope by sharing this is that the more you understand how your brain works, you can use it more to your benefit!  So, if you are going to ruminate, think repetitively of positive things.  If you are going to imagine, imagine uplifting and inspiring things happening to you.   

P.S. Breaking a repetitive negative focus is also something that you can seek professional help with, especially if it is pervasive, impairing, or significantly upsetting to you. 

Let's Start This Journey Together!

I decided I wanted to start to blog, as a way to offer some insights, thoughts, tips to more than just my clients.  I often see patterns in my sessions, certain topics that come up from multiple clients, and thought it might be helpful to share with you!  I also want to provide information on improving your mental health or maintaining good mental health, addressing topics that maybe are not completely understood or talked about often.  I want to help fight the secrecy and shame that is often portrayed in seeking therapy services.  Unless you have been in therapy, you might not know what really happens behind closed doors.  And, I’ve found, we tend to be scared of what we don’t know!  

Additionally, I challenge my clients to grow and change in areas in which they desire, and writing this blog is my challenge for myself!  I figured it wasn’t fair to talk about growth, and doing things you are afraid of, if I didn’t take my own advice!  My writing style is very formal, due to years of schooling and graduate training.  I was trained to write scientific research papers, and never really developed a conversational style of writing.  My area of growth is to be more relatable (and, less stuffy) with my writing.  I am going to use this blog to grow!  I ask for your grace and understanding as I go along, and as I learn.

I also ask for feedback from you.  What do you want to read or learn about?  In what ways could I make things easier for you to understand?  So, please, make comments, ask questions....I want to help make mental health easier to talk about.

I look forward to learning with you!  Stay tuned....my next few blog posts will be covering good sleep habits, dealing with difficult family members, and anxiety.